Well, Christmas has happened and New Year’s is coming. And, it’s quite possible that you’ve experienced the dark side of the holidays by now. It’s something that is talked about a lot and certainly needs to be talked about more.
So, what is the dark side of Christmas? Well, let’s first consider what Christmas is supposed to be. It’s supposed to be a time of good cheer. A time of joy, hope and love. And, parts of it are to some people some of the time. But, for many people Christmas and the holidays are not what they are marketed as. For example, many families have already experienced the “holiday fight” where emotions got a little tense and words got said that you may regret. Isn’t it strange how a time to celebrate our friends and family can actually put the greatest strain on those relationships.
But, here is the real dark side of Christmas. Many people don’t even have family to feud with. Or, if they do, they don’t see them. For others, a death in the family or other tragedy removes the joy and hope of the season. For many who are lonely throughout the rest of the year, the holiday season is just an exclamation point on how they feel about themselves or their lives.
My challenge to all of us is to be more aware of those around us who might not be having a lot of fun during this “festive” season. Who around you really doesn’t enjoy the holidays? Who might be lonely? Who feels left out? And, why can’t we talk more about this? If we talk more about it, we can truly make it a season of joy, hope and love for so many more people.
Time is ticking and it is getting close to the start of our big adventure. If you’re not aware of the big sailing adventure, I’ll fill you in. My wife and I are taking our 3 boys out of school for 8 months so that we can sail around the Eastern Caribbean. Very exciting! This has been in the works for quite a while and we’re so excited.
A large portion of the fun of this adventure has been the planning, as it is with so many things. And, the nice part of this was that it fit so nicely with one of my mantras… you’ve got to take inventory. If you don’t have a good sense of where you are and what you’ve got, it’s going to be a lot harder to get where you want and need to go. Every step of the way along our journey to getting to this point has involved some element of taking inventory. Whether it’s figuring out what we physically need to buy or acquire, or perhaps some additional knowledge or training that we need, we knew what it was that we needed by having done inventory. All this helped us to be ready to make it happen.
Now that our adventure is about to start, we will continue to do inventory. We need to know what equipment needs to be replaced, or what supplies might need to be replenished. The same is true with our businesses, our personal and professional lives.
So, keep taking inventory and keep pushing to make your plans come true… whether it’s sailing, building a business, nurturing a family, or just living the dream. And, then, make it happen. For us the adventure down south starts January 7th. More news to follow.
Have you experienced the situation where someone has bad news to give you and yet they don’t say anything. They feel that because it’s bad news, there’s some good reason to procrastinate or not tell you about the bad news. They believe that what they are doing is actually being nice. Or, perhaps they feel that somehow by waiting they’ll be able to have more time to make the news go away or maybe they’ll even be able to fix the problem.
Quite likely, you’ve experienced this situation and you’ve likely been frustrated when you found how long they took to tell you. There are good reasons for this. You likely feel upset that your colleague didn’t believe that you could handle the news. And, you may now feel time crunched to deal with the situation. Most significantly, you likely knew something was up and didn’t feel in control which is a significant issue.
People are often in situations which are unpleasant, but, if they feel that they are in control of their own destiny, even if it doesn’t look good, then they are in a much better situation. This reinforces the importance of the concept of “control” to our success and our lives and work.
So two final questions…. Are you not telling someone something that they should hear right now! And, where do you feel in your work or personal life that control is missing. This is likely an important area to review.
Before we get to being normal, let’s look at being average. I think that many of us can buy into the concept that we don’t want to be average. In fact, studies show that that a much higher number than 50% of us believe that we’re above average in any specific measurement of us. This of course, leads us to the fact that some of us are over estimating our abilities. In fact, being able to clearly understand where our true strengths exist and where our weaknesses are, is a real sign that the person is destined for great things.
So, let’s now look at being normal. If being normal, by definition, means that you’re just like everyone else, then one can argue that being normal is to be without distinction or even to be bland.
What’s interesting is our societal conditioning. Generally, I believe that we are conditioned to believe that we should strive to be above average and, yet to be normal. This seems a little bit strange for a couple of reasons. First, as we can see from the studies referred to above, most of us are more average than we think in more ways than we think. Also, being above average and being normal also seem to be opposing goals in many cases.
It stands to reason that what we should truly be striving for is to be above average in our areas of strength while also striving to be different from normal as is appropriate.
Recently, I heard a radio phone-in on a subject that I completely believe in. The topic was on people being lonely anywhere, including when being surrounded by a crowd of people. So true.
Most people have felt lonely at some point while being in the middle of a big crowd, in a downtown of a city, at a concert, a shopping mall, etc. This condition is a concern and I certainly hope that everyone experiences this as infrequently as possible.
The above example is largely one of an involuntary condition. But, it does remind me of a situation that I’ve seen before that is voluntary. Let me describe a scene I saw when down sailing on our boat in the Caribbean. We were having dinner at a restaurant in a marina. While we were eating I noticed a group of people on a motorboat docked in one of the slips. Remember that we were in a truly beautiful place on a comfortably warm evening with a gorgeous sunset. What I saw initially was that a couple of people were talking to each other while most where just sitting there. Within a short period of time, every single person stopped talking to each other. And, very soon after that, each one of them had pulled out a cell phone and started talking to someone else somewhere else.
I’m always amazed when I see something like this happen, but it baffles me when it happens in such a place – a beautiful place, where all was good, where they had their travelling companions right there, where it was one of the few evenings that they have while on holiday. I just don’t get it. They choose to spend money on their cell phones (assuming that they were all visitors) to talk to somebody who wasn’t there.
I know that there may be some reason why the scene turned out the way it did, but it still illustrates what I believe is a problem in our society. Our inability to talk to and carry on conversations with other people that we know and love. Sometime it takes a little bit of effort and practice to continue or extend a conversation, but isn’t it worth it? Often we can learn a great deal from other people if we just try a little harder. And, often in the process, we learn a little bit more about ourselves.
So, let’s put away the cellphones and honour those people around us with some attention.
For me, there is no such thing as a project that starts, happens and ends. Whether this is a small job of a couple of hours to a multi-week project. Inevitably, the project gets put on hold either because I’m have no choice, or in many cases, exactly because I have a choice. Now, to be truthful, there are those jobs and projects that you’re just not enthusiastic about and you are happy to put them down, but I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about working on a project that is going well and deciding to take a break.
What I find is that when I pick up a different project for a while, when I come back to the first project, my energy for the project is higher. And, more importantly, I also find that I may have a better concept of the project and make better decisions. You could draw the analogy to the “let’s sleep on the problem” approach. Giving yourself a little bit of time away from something can make a world of difference as your subconscious works away at the problem.
I also find that the variety also allows me to be able to get more done while being drained less. Even the act of writing this blog is happening while I”m giving another project a little break.
So, when you’re dealing with projects (and almost everything in life and business is a project), consider starting and stoping. Just be sure to be disciplined enough to get started again. You will be happy with the results, and perhaps feel a little bit more refreshed.
And, feel free to tell me your strategies to project success.
This is a bit of a silly story but still one with a good learning point.
It started when I went looking for a new car. I researched the features that I wanted and I filtered my needs down to one car. Next step, to go for a test drive. The result… I was quite happy. But, there was one thing bothering me. The speedometer and other dials were laid out in a really different style. Completely unnerving. But, I really liked the car.
I immediately knew that this was going to be a great experience. I knew that it was going to take some getting used to. And, it did, for a while. But, with so many things, once I got used to it, I loved it.
Isn’t that so true? The same thing happened when I had to go to a ‘chiclet’ keyboard for the first time with my present laptop. It took a bit of getting used to as well. But, I’m so happy that I chose to take the plunge. It was a great decision.
When was the last time that you had to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone. It might be time to stretch some more. Let me know your story.
I met a friend’s husband a while back and we got to talking. Through the discussion, we started talking about success and failure… a passionate topic for me. As we discussed our views, he made an outstanding comment that has a lot of interesting truth in it. He said, “You only have one chance to fail.”
I really really liked that comment. It’s true. We only really get one chance to fail or at least to fail properly. Because the next time we try something similar, we’re unlikely to fail in the same way because we have more information than the last time that we tried it.
And, in fact, it suggests that we should pay particular attention to when we’re doing something that we soon realize will fail. We should be understanding it. We should almost be celebrating it… because it will never happen that way again, and that experience will help to shape us and help us evolve.
What a great way to look at failure… remember…. You only get one chance to fail.
In the category of weird but interesting research comes some research into Botox and happiness.
Researchers studied women who underwent Botox injections in their face and compared them to a control group. What they discovered was that the women who had the Botox work done, generally felt happier. What’s interesting is the reason. The women who had the Botox are physically less able to frown or have a “sour” face.
So, that old adage to smile and you’ll feel better seems to have been confirmed. Or, at least the less you have a frown, the less you’re going to feel down. (rhyming intended).
One small caveat here is that we do not need to have Botox injections to have an effect.
Many people have experienced crime of some sort. Perhaps you had something stolen from you. Hopefully nothing worse.
I was thinking about a crime the other day that likely goes unreported. And, I expect that it may be prevalant.
The crime that I’m talking about is loss of dreaming, the disappearance of aspirations. I think it is a terrible when people loss their ability to dream of what else they can experience or become. And, I wonder if there are not a lot of people who over time lose the ability to step out of the status quo and experience where they could possibly go.
For example, I believe that there may be people with wonderful talents that are not being used. And, I’m not talking about in work necessarily. Although that may be true. I’m also talking about extracurricular activities or volunteering. Also, I wonder if people don’t get so caught up in their lives with the normal that they forget about all of the things that they want to do in their life.
So, my question to you is have you thought about the stuff that you want to do in life recently? Have you added to you life list or bucket list? I hope that you have or that you do soon…. no one else will do it for you.
I have blogged on this before, but it is so good that I need to remind everyone of it again.
I want you to watch a video on a coach who has an amazing grasp of what motivates people, in particular young people.
When you’re done, reflect on how this applies to you. What can you learn from his strategies to apply to your role as a leader, a parent, a business owner, a coach, whatever your role.
Let me know what you think of this video and Coach Carroll.
I had the great fortune to receive a spa weekend for my wife and I as a gift from a client. It was a great gift and we had a wonderful weekend. And, believe it or not, during my massage, I learned a wonderful metaphor.
As a person who like connecting with people, I was chatting with the massage therapist. I asked her how much “tension” she found. Fortunately, she said that there wasn’t a lot but that there was some. Before I could react, she said… “But, that’s good. If we didn’t have some tension or stress, we’d fall over.”
What a great metaphor, we need a little bit of tension to keep us standing up otherwise we’ll go limp and fall over without the ability to do anything.
What more do I need to say… as many of us have heard before, we need to have some stress in our lives, some pressure to keep us going and motivated. But perhaps not too much so that we don’t end up with too many painful debilitating knots.
This past weekend was a reminder that there are lessons everywhere. Just be ready and open for them.
I’m part way through an interesting book called The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle.
It’s based on some interesting research which has implications that can benefit everyone. The Talent Code deals with how hotbeds of talent arise and what are the factors in the creation of real talent or some might say “genius”.
Daniel Coyle shows how the truly talented and world class tend not to be genetic flukes or anomalies but that they are likely the result of good genes, a good environment and specifically the result of hours of “deep practice”. You may have heard the statistic that people who are world class in their specific area tend to have been in that area for 10 years or so. Another similar kind of stat that speaks to the message of The Talent Code is that experts tend to have 10,000 hours of critical practice. The author shows how this is the case with tennis stars, Renaissance painters, etc.
Where this research meets neurology is that those who “deep practice” end up having built and reinforced their myelin connections in the brain – the white matter, which is now becoming more well understood and more highly regarded. In fact, the myelin is what allows us to have learned a skill or talent and to keep it.
Without going into the details of what ‘deep’ practice is, consider that it involves a lot of intense trial and error, where failing is as important as getting it right. And, where breaking things down or chunking them is very important.
The main message that this gives us is that we can all be world class in our chosen arenas, or at the very least excel in a certain area, if we give it the right amount of “deep practice”. So, when you see someone excelling it is likely because they’ve spent a lot of time practising, failing, trying again until they are at the very top of their game. And, so can you be…
Think of those people who naturally lead. Think of the last time that you were in a group… even just a group of people at a convention around a table who were given a task. You can picture the 5 or 6 people around the table starting to discuss the problem they’ve been given. Inevitably, you have a variety of people. You have the individuals that have a lot of knowledge, you have the people who naturally take control of the situation. You also have the quiet ones, the outspoken, even the angry.
My question is who do you think tends to rise to the leadership of these groups and other groups. Is it the smartest as some might think? No, the research shows that it isn’t. In fact, those that speak up the most are seen as not only being more confident, they also are perceived as being the smartest (even though they are often not at all).
This research is interesting because it tells and reminds us of a few different things. One, that the people who are the most vocal are not necessarily the smartest although they are perceived as the most confident. Two, those who speak up especially early are likely going to be perceived as the leader of your group. And three, the reason that those who speak up early are perceived as the defacto leader of the group – confidence.
Confidence is a factor in leadership. How does your confidence show up in your leadership?
Business people do not talk about stories. And, yet, the most successful business people use stories explicitly and implicitly in their business every day. As I’ve mentioned before, I believe that stories are one of the most important aspects of human life. And, they are everywhere! But, for the moment let’s discuss only their application in business.
You can often find a great story at the heart of a successful company. Whether the story is one that the public knows, the clients know, or even just the employees, there is often some story that provides a binding nature to the company. The story helps to reinforce why you should think about their products, why you should buy from them, or maybe why you as an employee should stay with them. A story is an emotionally anchored way of getting information across that can help to create a call to action.
We are programmed for stories. Whether you enjoy a good movie, book, tv show, opera, magazine, talk radio, the news, or even a night out with family and friends. There is a story or often several stories woven into the fabric of each of those ways of spending time. Neurologically, we enjoy and need stories as humans.
So, if all of this is true, why do we not do a more concerted effort at creating the stories that surround our businesses. Why don’t we plan out our story like a great play? Why don’t we add some of the additional elements that make such a great story… humour, suspense, failure, intrigue. In fact the best business people are doing it. They’re just not talking about it.
I’ve seen a number of studies recently that show that physical fitness helps mental acuity… in the elderly, in children, in adults. Yes, this is something that I think many of us already have heard. But, there have been so many, that I have to write a quick blog. It’s almost like the studies are trying to tell me something…. “Don’t forget your physical fitness”. In fact, the message is probably right. As much as I do work out and I do have a pretty healthy lifestyle…. I can do more. And, I’m betting that you can as well.
So, are you? It’s spring time… albeit wet and rainy here most of the time. Having said that, it is the best time to get some more activity (notice I didn’t say exercise) as well as just getting some fresh air and vitamin D from sun exposure. In fact, I’ve seen a meta study recently that suggests that North American’s don’t get enough vitamin D in general (because we are not outside as we once were.)
Join me in getting outside and being more active in the next couple of weeks. You won’t regret it. And, then tell me how it felt…
Often people say that you need to be centered. That you need to find your center.
I won’t disagree with that but I will add a slightly different point of view. While you need to be centered and know who it is that you are as a leader, business leader, or personal and professional person. You also cannot necessarily learn anymore about yourselves if you only spend time where you feel safe, where you feel comfortable.
People and leaders, almost by definition, need to evolve. You need to grow, to adapt to your surroundings as they change. And, when that happens you become a new version of youself. You learn more about what your skills and talents are, especially new and emerging talents.
Given this, you cannot grow and evolve without actually spending time exploring your edges.
What have you done recently to explore your edges?
That was a line in a song I heard recently. When I heard it, I was quite impressed with the metaphor and thought what a great reminder for how we should deal with other people.
Why you ask.
Because a still river is often still moving very quickly. There can be a lot of stuff happening below the surface that we can’t easily see without looking deeper literally or figuratively.
And, this is true for us as people. Often when we meet people, we may not get much of a sense of how “their river runs”. It might be quite deep and fast. For us to enjoy the real nature of their river, we will need to spend some time getting deeper.
And, of course, it’s always good not to make too many assumptions about a still river. You may think it is calm and still but step in and you might just get swept away.
Today, I had a great reminder of something that I’ve known for quite a while. Having said that, isn’t it nice to be gently or not so gently reminded of life’s truths from time to time.
What I was reminded of was who is my greatest advocate.
Before I tell you, can you tell me who is your greatest advocate? Go ahead and take a moment. Think of all the people you connect with from day to day. Who is looking out for you? Who has your interests at heart?
Likely you came up with a number of people, but there is a person who will always be most interested in you and frankly will have the best understanding of you and what you need….. It’s you!
Now, your initial reaction may be…. Sure, I guess you’re right but I don’t want to be egotistical. Shouldn’t I be concerned about others. And, yes, you should not be egotistical. And, you should be concerned with others. But, you can get to a point where you spend so much time looking after others that you don’t take care of yourself and you suffer and become less valuable to everyone.
At the end of the day, only one person can truly look after you and your needs. Only one person truly understands your needs. Even other people who care for you and want to be your advocate, will not know every detail. Again, does this mean that other people can’t be great advocates for you…. No, they can be wonderful advocates and from time to time they will be able to tell you truths that you may not realize.
So, the ultimate truth is that you need others to support you AND, you need to be your own best advocate. This means taking your own inventory of yourself, mapping out a strategy for where you need to go and then getting on that journey of destinations as I blogged about not so long ago.
Artists are expected to have creativity. And, so many times, artists come up with truly inspiring, or even just plan fun, creations. Even with only a few household items, in the hands of someone creative, they can help to create a story.
As many of you know, my family and I are going to be sailing through the Caribbean in 2012 so the following picture caught my attention.
What a wonderfully example of creativity!
The key here is that it should not be just artists and the “right” brained of us who are creative. We all need to be creative in our personal and professional lives.
So, when will be your next opportunity to play with your food? [Okay, my kids will be excluded from this challenge :-]
Tell me how you are going to be creative this month.
Posted by Paul Frazer 
